I should have paid attention to the red flag when I started staying over at his. I would go over every weekend so we could spend some quality time together, in that time, he would make sure that my tummy never rumbled. Nothing has changed since we've moved in, The Boyfriend is a self confessed feeder. I would like to blame him for how I am today, but in reality it's mine own fault, I pretty much never refuse food. That's probably my biggest (no pun intended) problem. I eat and eat and eat until I feel full, and then I can't be bothered to work it off. I promise myself I'll be good tomorrow, and I'll exercise and not eat as much, and I really believe that I'm going to do it, but then morning comes and all motivation is lost.
Last night, after a large meal of chicken, rice, chips and garlic bread (yeah I know, I feel disgusted just typing it) The Boyfriend and I went to bed. He tried to be intimate with me, caressing all the right place, and some of the wrong places, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel desirable. I gently brushed him off and told him that I wasn't in the mood. He was more than understanding, but bless his heart, he looked like a neglected puppy. I rolled over onto my side and lay awake for hours worrying about the up coming reunion with my old friends on Friday.
I know everyone is going to think that I'm pathetic for being worried about something that I really should be looking forward to, but I just can't move past it. I thought about it for hours last night, I thought about how they're going to judge me because I'm so hideous. I thought about how much confidence they've all gained since university and how much I've lost. I thought about how much I'm going to want to hide behind cushions while I sit with them, and how much I'm going to hate every bite of food and sip of alcohol I take while catch up. I also pondered what on earth I'm going to wear! I only have one pair of pants that fit me comfortably, and maybe a couple of tops that I deem worthy enough for leaving the house in, and even they aren't very pretty, and lets face it, my old friends all look fantastic all of the time. They all have lovely clothes, perfect makeup and beautiful hair, and here I sit in my size 22s, nasty skin which flairs up at the sound of makeup and hair that just will not cooperate no matter how many products on it.
I'm going to have to build up a lot of nerve for tomorrow, a lot of nerve indeed. I'm sick of being scared to be seen.
Last night, after a large meal of chicken, rice, chips and garlic bread (yeah I know, I feel disgusted just typing it) The Boyfriend and I went to bed. He tried to be intimate with me, caressing all the right place, and some of the wrong places, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel desirable. I gently brushed him off and told him that I wasn't in the mood. He was more than understanding, but bless his heart, he looked like a neglected puppy. I rolled over onto my side and lay awake for hours worrying about the up coming reunion with my old friends on Friday.
I know everyone is going to think that I'm pathetic for being worried about something that I really should be looking forward to, but I just can't move past it. I thought about it for hours last night, I thought about how they're going to judge me because I'm so hideous. I thought about how much confidence they've all gained since university and how much I've lost. I thought about how much I'm going to want to hide behind cushions while I sit with them, and how much I'm going to hate every bite of food and sip of alcohol I take while catch up. I also pondered what on earth I'm going to wear! I only have one pair of pants that fit me comfortably, and maybe a couple of tops that I deem worthy enough for leaving the house in, and even they aren't very pretty, and lets face it, my old friends all look fantastic all of the time. They all have lovely clothes, perfect makeup and beautiful hair, and here I sit in my size 22s, nasty skin which flairs up at the sound of makeup and hair that just will not cooperate no matter how many products on it.
I'm going to have to build up a lot of nerve for tomorrow, a lot of nerve indeed. I'm sick of being scared to be seen.
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