Self Loathing Pretty Much All of the Time

It's 2:30am, I've left The Boyfriend in bed to sleep while I get eaten alive by insecurities. I haven't posted in a while, I guess it's because I've been feeling a little bit worthless and I didn't think that it would matter if the world knew, but I guess I'm sitting here typing this because I don't really have anyone else to talk to right now, well at least I don't have anyone to talk to that isn't judging me, staring at the glaringly obvious scabs around my eyes or wondering just how I managed to get out of the front door. I think these things about myself all day every day, so I pretty much just assume that it's what other people are thinking about me too.

I haven't left the house in 2 weeks but I have to on Thursday and the thought of it is making me nervous. I'm only going to visit my Grandparents, but it means leaving the safety of my home, it means being seen, it means being exposed. What makes it worse is that my Grandmother thinks that I've been sticking to my diet, which I haven't. I wish I could say that I had, but quiet simply I haven't really had the motivation or the will power to do it. I only have myself to blame, I know that, and it makes me hate me even more.

I think the real reason I'm writing is not just because I can't sleep, or I need someone to talk to, but because I've realized how much I actually need this. While I was writing for the short time that I was, I was okay. I wasn't constantly fighting with my boyfriend because I was letting it all build up, I didn't feel like I was suffocating under the weight (no pun intended) of it all. It's a release I guess. When I stopped writing all hell broke loose. All I'll say is that I'm very lucky that I still have my boyfriend. This just feels like a little bit of sanctuary where I can let off steam, bitch and moan and whine on like I'm talking to the most understanding person in the world, who just happens to not be able to judge me. I guess I know that whoever is reading this is judging me in some way or another, but considering I don't get many views I guess I feel a little safer.

The boyfriend wants me to do a pin up shoot for him. Nothing distasteful, just a classy photo for him. I like the idea, when I imagine it I think of some gorgeous fifty's babe in lacy garments posing seductively yet elegantly, I don't think of me, I think of someone else. I wish I was someone else. I wish I could think that I would ever look good in that kind of picture, but I know I wouldn't, I don't belong in front of a camera. I feel like I don't belong anywhere to be honest.

My inability to look in the mirror has got worse. Now, not only can I not stand the sight of my body, but my barely tolerable face is ridden with eczema. I swear, it only has to spread a couple of millimeters more across my nose and I'll look like I'm wearing a red, flaky, itchy, scabby super hero mask. It's disgusting. I can't even look in the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth or my hair, it's getting pretty bad. I'm thinking about going to the new doctors and signing up, but that means that I would have to be weighed, since it's a new doctor, and that alone is enough to put me off going for the rest of my life, no matter what the problem is.

I'm sorry that this entry is a little bit all over the place, I guess I'm just tired. Sigh. Good night then.   

Body Shaming

I'm a firm believer that shaming anyone for their appearance is down right wrong. It shouldn't matter whether you're fat, skinny, big or small. People don't need their imperfections pointed out to them. We all look in the mirror, we all see the things we hate about ourselves and yet everyone else feels the need to tell us that we should be ashamed of ourselves. But should we? Should we really be ashamed of our bodies? As an individual, you've probably guess that I am indeed ashamed of my body, but I really don't believe that other people should shame me for it. How does my body affect their lives? It really doesn't, it's none of their business.

When discussing this issue with other people, they say that all body types are picked on by people; fat people comment on skinny people, skinny people comment on fat people. While this is true, the media never really focuses on how being under weight is just as dangerous as being overweight. We constantly see drastically underweight women on the catwalk, flaunting clothes that would split at the seems if I so much as looked at them, and yet, rather than consider these women as unhealthy, we aspire to be like them, we wish we had that gap between our legs, and defined ribs and hip bones. And then there are 'plus size' models. Why can't they just be models? Why do we have to segregate them as 'plus size'? It sickens me that us bigger people are considered to be a total different species.

Just my two cents I guess....

I wish I wasn't irrational

Turns out yesterday went a lot better than I worried about. I don't know why I worried about it so much, it really wasn't worth losing sleep over.

Allow me to fill you in on what happened.

So I headed over to Bestie's house armed with a bottle of white wine and some lemonade. I hid myself in some trousers that are far too big but super comfy, an over sized tee and a denim shirt. I was the first one there, which was comforting as I wanted to talk to my Bestie about what had happened Monday night. Plus I don't like walking into a room full of people because then it feels like everyone is looking at you and passing judgement. For some reason I don't feel like this happens when its the other way around. So any way, I sat down with Bestie and opened up about how I felt about what Competition said in her drunk stupor. Bestie agreed with me, told me that she felt a bit funny about it too, but she comforted me in saying that she tends to exaggerates when she's drunk.

We then waited for the others to arrive. They were all about 20 minutes late, but they all showed up together.Competition came in first, complaining about her terrible hangover on Tuesday, followed by Little Miss China Doll, named because of her petite and doll like features, and Little Miss Everything, named because she has EVERYTHING that a girl would want; amazing hair, gorgeous body, awesome clothes and an ability to bake pies and cake which goes fantastically with her high metabolism which allows her to eat what she wants and still look amazing. I spent my secondary school years with these girls, and even though we've kinda drifted apart over the years due to differences in unis and changes in interest, when I'm with them I feel like I'm 14 again. We discussed all the things we used to talk about; boys, sex, music, etc. Everything even bakes us cakes with our initials on them. They were lovely.

At 11pm the Boyfriend walked me home (as Bestie had to be up early). Although no-one had mentioned my weight or anything, I still felt pretty crap about myself, although I blame the ridiculous amount of pizza I consumed for that.

So all in all it was a good night. I'm currently not feeling very well though. A couple of weeks ago I was in hospital because the lining of my stomach was corroding, I left fine, but now I'm getting the awful feeling back. I'm hoping it's just because of the pizza last night and nothing more, but knowing my luck I'll be back in hospital before you know it.

When I get that feeling

Feeling bad about yourself is bad enough without feeling bloated, and that is exactly how I felt last night. Unfortunately I am not what you would call a domestic goddess. I do my share around the house, like cleaning the bathroom and occasionally tidying up the other rooms around the house when they need it, but I never ever cook! Strange right? A fat lass that doesn't cook, but I don't go hungry thanks to my loving, feeding Boyfriend.

I should have paid attention to the red flag when I started staying over at his. I would go over every weekend  so we could spend some quality time together, in that time, he would make sure that my tummy never rumbled. Nothing has changed since we've moved in, The Boyfriend is a self confessed feeder. I would like to blame him for how I am today, but in reality it's mine own fault, I pretty much never refuse food. That's probably my biggest (no pun intended) problem. I eat and eat and eat until I feel full, and then I can't be bothered to work it off. I promise myself I'll be good tomorrow, and I'll exercise and not eat as much, and I really believe that I'm going to do it, but then morning comes and all motivation is lost.

Last night, after a large meal of chicken, rice, chips and garlic bread (yeah I know, I feel disgusted just typing it) The Boyfriend and I went to bed. He tried to be intimate with me, caressing all the right place, and some of the wrong places, but I just couldn't bring myself to feel desirable. I gently brushed him off and told him that I wasn't in the mood. He was more than understanding, but bless his heart, he looked like a neglected puppy. I rolled over onto my side and lay awake for hours worrying about the up coming reunion with my old friends on Friday.

I know everyone is going to think that I'm pathetic for being worried about something that I really should be looking forward to, but I just can't move past it. I thought about it for hours last night, I thought about how they're going to judge me because I'm so hideous. I thought about how much confidence they've all gained since university and how much I've lost. I thought about how much I'm going to want to hide behind cushions while I sit with them, and how much I'm going to hate every bite of food and sip of alcohol I take while catch up. I also pondered what on earth I'm going to wear! I only have one pair of pants that fit me comfortably, and maybe a couple of tops that I deem worthy enough for leaving the house in, and even they aren't very pretty, and lets face it, my old friends all look fantastic all of the time. They all have lovely clothes, perfect makeup and beautiful hair, and here I sit in my size 22s, nasty skin which flairs up at the sound of makeup and hair that just will not cooperate no matter how many products on it.

I'm going to have to build up a lot of nerve for tomorrow, a lot of nerve indeed. I'm sick of being scared to be seen. 

It's not a competition

So, the other night I went on a night out with some old friends. It was a scary experience for me, I had a little break down to the boyfriend earlier that day because I was so scared about being seen out in public. Allow me to start at the beginning.

As you know I've put on a lot of weight, so all of my lovely, pretty clothes don't fit me anymore. I have some nice clothes I guess. Well, they look good on other people, on me they just look ridiculous. So I had to find something new to wear. Now, as a young lady I guess I'm supposed to enjoy clothes shopping, and I used to when I could fit into nice things, but now when I go shopping it's like I'm constantly being reminded of how huge I am. I see all these gorgeous clothes, I pick something up....it's a size 16 and it wouldn't fit over one of my thighs. So, when I'm disheartened by the average people's clothes, I trudge over to the plus size section, which ironically is significantly smaller than the normal clothes department. The Boyfriend accompanied me during my search, and bless his heart, he really did try. He picked out outfits for me and made suggestions, but I just started getting agitated. Nothing made me feel feminine. I eventually settled on a casual outfit, that wouldn't draw attention to me.

We headed home and I got ready, I even did my hair and makeup. And guess what? I actually smiled at myself. It was completely fake, but I've been told to fake it until it's real, that way I apparently look more confident.

So I went to my Bestie's house and we had a couple of drinks while we waited for our other friend, Little Miss Competition. Now, I love Competition, I really do, but I two reasons for calling her Competition. A) I always feel like I have to compete with her, I don't know why, and B) She likes to make a competition out of things that really shouldn't be a competition (which will become clear at the end of this post)

Lets skip over the boring details, we had some drinks, Competition tried on clothes and asked for our opinions. Competition looked amazing. She's the kind of girl that has everything going for her, a petite little body, a gorgeous face and can fit into the slinkiest of little black dresses without displaying a single roll of fat. We went out, we got drunk(ish), we even had a little dance and after all that we made our communal trip to the loo, and this is where things got annoying for me.

Competition was very very drunk, and she started asking if she looked fat. I snorted. No, she did not look fat, in fact, stood next to me she looked even smaller. She kept insisting that she was fat and ugly, and myself and the Bestie tried to convince her that she isn't. Competition went on at this for a while until she finally said it.

"I mean, I know you've put on a lot of weight since you moved in with your boyfriend, Typical. I mean, A LOT OF WEIGHT, but you don't really know what it's like."  

Now I didn't say anything about this at the time, she was drunk so we decided to get her home, but her words kept ringing in my ears, "A LOT OF WEIGHT". Even my friends are commenting on it now! I had to get home, I had to lock myself up and I had to cry! I already felt under dressed, dumby and pathetic, and now, well now I just couldn't fake it any more.

I'm still pretty hung up about it, and I haven't left the flat in two days and I really don't see myself going out any time soon. I have plans on friday to meet up with old friends, but I just can't think about it right now.....

Little Miss Typical

A little bit about me.

Hi, I'm Little Miss Typical.


I'm just like every girl my age, I'm typical. I'd like to be able to say that that means I'm boring and normal, but it's hard to feel like that sometimes. My life has been far than boring and normal. I know everyone goes on and on about how their lives are hard, and in reality some people exaggerate just a little bit, but life is hard.


I won't bore you with the details, I'm not here to complain about my life. I'm here to hopefully start a journey. Just like most people, I have body confidence issue, BIG STYLE issues. I really want to overcome these issues because their starting to take over every aspect of my life, and I mean it.


I live with my long term partner and we've been living together for maybe just under a year. In that time I have put on A LOT of weight. So I know you're going to roll your eyes at me, sigh, and think 'here we go' but I mean it. I went from a rather happy and health size 14-16 right up to a size 22. I'm disgusting.


At first, this dramatic weight change didn't bother me, and to be honest I didn't even notice it. However, one day I looked in the mirror and noticed the angry red stretch marks all over my body. I'm more stretch mark than I am a woman these days. But anyway, even though I wasn't happy with myself I got on with it, right up until a very close person to me made a hurtful and tactless comment about how I looked. It crushed me. Since then it has been eating away at me.


I have transformed from a fairly confident, social and happy girl to a quivering, antisocial and miserable bolder of a human. I can't look in the mirror any more, when I do I burst into tears. When I bathe I keep my eyes on the ceiling, when I get ready I wear the baggiest clothes I can find, I quit my job because it meant being seen by outsiders all day every day and now I can barely bring myself to leave the house. I hate myself.


So here is my space to tell my story and start my adventure, and I've got to tell you, it's scary. I don't really talk to anyone about how I feel about all this, so this is big for me. Please bare with me, and thank you for your patience.


Little Miss Typical